Bush and Dick's Awesome Page!
Hijackalope has decided, after continuous intimidation from the current administration, to give the President and the Country's unofficial Heart-Attack Man a little bit of space on the website. If it becomes more than a little bit of space Phillip and Osama will drop the hammer, don't worry. So, here you are: we begin with an aborted advice column that GW planned on syndicating before the Secret Service put the kebosh on it and move on to a wonderful article by Cheney regarding his days as a master breakdancer!
I would like to install platinum tipped spark plugs in my 1987 Chevrolet Celebrity, but have been told that they will not work in a car that has a fuel injection system. I contacted General Motors in Detroit, and they said they only recommend their own spark plugs. Can I use the platinum tipped plugs? Harold
Dear Harold: I don't know.
Dear GW: I am 14. My friend, "Heidi," is well-endowed. Yesterday, she told me her stepdad pulls on her shirt so he can look down it. He says he doesn't mean anything by it, but it makes Heidi really uncomfortable. She has told her mom, but her mom just says he's not doing it on purpose, and ignores it. What should I do? Should I tell someone, or let her and her family settle it? -- SHOCKED IN FAYETTEVILLE, N.C.
Dear Shocked: Um, that's a tough one ain't it. Um, well...I really don't know.
Dear GW: I'm a woman in an LTR. Recently I had a discussion about anal sex with my guy. Knowing that I was a little nervous, he was GGG and let me experiment on him first. Well, it worked out great, and we both found pleasure in anal play. However, last time I was fingering him, I felt something different than normal. Instead of soft flesh, I felt something rough and uneven inside him. It took a moment, but I realized it was probably a shit! He didn't realize what was going on and wanted me to go deeper. I kept pleasing him, without going deeper, until he came, letting him enjoy the moment. But now I don't know what to do: Was that actually a shit in him? Is that normal? How should I handle a situation like that if it happens again?
Dear Judy Hole filler: It could've been a "WMD," heh, heh. No but seriously, I don't know.
Dear GW: Do tulips prefer a sunny or a shady spot in the yard?
Dear Tulip planter: I really don't know. I mean I'm almost the president, give me more important questions like anal play. Next.
Dear GW: How can I stop slicing the ball? Curing the slice. Rich Old White Golfer Dude.
Dear Brother Jeb: Slicing the ball is a very common problem. Here's an extremely general, but nonetheless valuable, tip that applies to learning any part of the game:
If you have a recurring problem that you are trying to correct exaggerate in the opposite direction to get results more quickly. A simple example: You have a slice. You keep trying to hit it straight; it keeps slicing. Advice: Stop trying to hit it straight; that is making it slice. Instead try making it hook viciously (that is the opposite). Note: Do not try to accomplish this by closing the club face at address. The position of the face at address is not what is influencing the ball's flight; it is the position of the face and the path of the club through impact. In your attempt to make it hook it is likely that you will not actually hook it (but even if you do it's good news, because at least you will be getting some different feedback). You will learn something from exaggerating like this.
More detail: (right-handed player)
A slice is the result of the clubface looking to the right of the path the club is travelling on at the moment of impact. This imparts clockwise spin to the ball making it curve to the right. Typically the club is also travelling to the left increasing the angle of oblique or glancing contact even more. Q: What is the opposite here? A: A hook, which is the result of the club face looking to the left of the path the club is travelling on at the moment of impact. Therefore, exaggerating in the opposite direction in this case would be trying to swing more out to the right while making the club face look more to the left at the moment of impact. If you actually do accomplish this the result will be a hook. But it's also possible that your attempt will never quite succeed and you'll just start hitting it straight.
Finally, what you need is some "feel" for squaring the club - try this:
Hit a 5 or 6 iron real, real softly (no more than 30 yards at first). Make sure you square the face and the ball goes straight (or even a bit left would be OK initially). Then move up to about 100 yards or so with the same iron. Keep making sure the clubface squares up. The problem is that you are probably trying to hit the ball too hard and have ABSOLUTELY 0 FEEL for what the clubface is doing. Eventually you can move up to your driver and do the same thing (start with about 50 yards, etc.). Every now and then come back to the impact position in extreme slow motion and actually slow down and stop right behind the ball, seeing and feeling the position of the clubface there. Make sure you know the feeling of bringing it back square. These soft and slow motion drills will help your nervous system learn the feel of squaring the club and eventually it will translate into your golf swing. Phi Sigma Delta rules!
Break Dancing: Lessons in Creativity, Initiative, and Leadership
by Dick Cheney
For those lacking in hip-hop culture, I will explain some of the basics of breakin'. The most difficult aspect of breakin' is not learning how to balance and spin around on one's back, hands, or head. It isn't even learning how to move one's arms and torso in such a way as to look as though a wave of electricity has just passed through one's body. The hardest part of breakin' is being unique doing something that hasn't been done before. In fact, the highest compliment one breaker can pay to another is to say that he or she was "fresh," or "fly," meaning that he or she had done something new.
When learning how to break, you first observe and mimic the movements of others. After you obtain some proficiency in the basic movements, it is time to begin creating some trademark variations. Failure to be creative at this point means relegation to the position of passive onlooker, rather than inclusion as a member of a crew.
To understand breakin', you must understand crews loosely organized groups of break dancers. Each crew has its own name and usually has eight to ten members. One crew often challenges another to a contest at dance clubs.
The contests, or battles, go like this. A member of the first crew goes to the center of the dance floor and performs a movement, say a back spin. This is followed by a member of the opposite crew also doing a back spin but with a variation of some kind. The cheers and yells of the onlookers determine whose effort is best. Another member of the first crew then comes out and performs another movement. It is now the second crew's turn to send forward the member who can best perform that movement.
When I was breakin' regularly, my specials were the back spin, the hand spin, "combat uprockin'," and "pop-lockin'." When someone from an opposing crew did any of these movements, I knew it was time for me to break. However, if an opposing crew member did anything other than my specialties, I remained an observer.
Interesting, you say, but what does all this have to do with creativity, initiative, and leadership? Plenty. First, let's compare a break dancing crew to Iraq. In a crew each member has particular strengths and is needed to play his or her part. Chapters, divisions, warlords or affiliates are no different.
Some Iraqis are good at using various types of technology. Others are wonderful at interacting with legislators. Some are best at mentoring those who are new to the Federation. Still others find their niche in communicating with and organizing members' ideas and talents to create the cohesive whole. Some are good at blowing shit up. In both crews and Federation groups each person's contribution is necessary.
A corollary to this point is that to be on a breakin' crew means to be consistently practicing and creating new movesin other words, always to be stretching and growing. As each breaker improves, the crew improves in its ability to out-break other crews. Similarly, one cannot be a Federationist and be passive. Rather one must constantly seek ways to add value to one's self, the local organization, and the larger community.
I should add that no one had to tell any crew member what move he or she should work on next. If I observed that we were constantly being beaten or blown up by a certain movement, say a hand spin, and if I felt I could excel at that movement, I would begin working on it. Others saw different areas of weakness in which they felt they could excel and began working on those. The war in Iraq is no different.
Implicit throughout this description of breakin' is the underlying premise and lesson that diversity in a group is to be encouraged and valued. When my fellow crew member could perform a movement far better than I could, I didn't feel threatened or feel the need to try to encourage him or her to do it my way. Rather we all applauded such differences as the lifeblood of our crew. We all felt our crew was stronger as a result of such differences. Not only did they give us new movements to add to our collection, but they encouraged the belief in all of us that there were always other variations, always a way to improve. This belief is the very foundation of creativity, and creativity and change are the lifeblood of a healthy, growing organization. And if those fuckers won't participate, we'll blow them the fuck up.
Thus far I've discussed some of the similarities between breakin' crews and organizations of the Jihad bent on destroying us. One difference worth noting is that crews are generally self-organizing and have no official leader. However, Iraq will have elected officers and leaders (some day). I now want to mention briefly how the breakin' metaphor applies to leaders in the Middle East.
To lead a group of motivated and diversely talented volunteers requires a leader truly to value differences. In addition, it requires the leader to have the maturity and the ability to communicate with people from diverse backgrounds, viewpoints, and different self-interests so that each member feels valued and is supported in his or her efforts to contribute to the organization. The leader must also be willing to allow the group's activities to reflect the complexion of the group as a whole, rather than his or her own personal conception. It is not essential for someone to have all of these qualities because the will most assuredly be killed by insurgents quickly.
In short, Iraqi leaders must learn to work collegially with everyone in the organization. This is the challenge and the strength of the National Federation of the Blind or as itÍs known to me, the Bush administration.
It is helpful to remember that, regardless of the movement each breaker was practicing on a particular afternoon, we were all there because of our love of dancing. Similarly, regardless of the individual roles we play in Iraq, we are all together for a common reason: to change what it means to be a megalomaniacal warmonger, a kindler, gentler, megalomaniacal warmonger who enjoys break dancing.