Welcome to Saddam's Softer Side!
Hijackalope (the eternal and highly-esteemed website) recently got in touch with Iraq's former Dictator-in-Chief and he made it clear through several coded emails sent via a wifi connection in a certain military prison's latrine that he's very, very misunderstood. He may be a murderer, a thief and a psychopath but did you know that Saddam is also a poet? A ninja gardner? A gifted and tireless scrapbooker? It's true! And so we've decided to dedicate a page on our website to Saddam's less genocidal side!
We begin with some of Saddam's secret poetry, never before read by anyone outside the ruler's close family (and even most of them were executed once it was learned they'd feasted their eyes on this lush forbidden literary fruit). Now, without further ado; Saddam Husayn Al-Tikriti, in his own words.
Hello folks. Long time no see, eh? Well I've been keeping busy here in my secret hideaway. Okay, it's kind of a jail. I don't know what I ever did to deserve this, but hey, what can you do? With my extra free time I've taken up yoga and gardening. I also rediscovered my first love; poetry. If I were not a ruthless dictator, I would've been a ruthless poet. It is really only thing that gets me through this awful torment that I am subjected to. Last week I was served only generic brand Hot Pockets. They will not restock koi pond and my bulbs were planted late. Even my hidey-hole had HBO. But it's not like me to raise a stink. Well hope you enjoy the poetry and oh, another thing; death to America! Thank you. Hugs and kisses, Saddam.
Part 1: Poetry by Saddam!
The Naming of Cats
The Naming of Cats is a difficult matter,
It isn't just one of your holiday games;
You may think at first I'm as mad as a hatter
When I tell you, a cat must have THREE DIFFERENT NAMES.
First of all, there's the name that the family use daily,
Such as Peter, Augustus, Alonzo or James,
Such as Victor or Jonathan, or George or Bill Bailey -
All of them sensible everyday names.
There are fancier names if you think they sound sweeter,
Some for the gentlemen, some for the dames:
Such as Plato, Denis Rodman, Carmen Electra, Demeter -
But all of them sensible everyday names.
But I tell you, a cat needs a name that's particular,
A name that's peculiar, and more dignified,
Else how can he keep up his tail perpendicular,
Or spread out his whiskers, or cherish his pride?
Of names of this kind, I can give you a quorum,
Such as Munkustrap, Quaxo, or Coricopat,
Such as Bombalurina, or else Jellylorum -
Names that never belong to more than one cat.
But above and beyond there's still one name left over,
And that is the name that you never will guess;
The name that no human research can discover -
But THE CAT HIMSELF KNOWS, and will never confess.
When you notice a cat in profound meditation,
The reason, I tell you, is always the same:
His mind is engaged in a rapt contemplation
Of the thought, of the thought, of the thought of his name:
His ineffable effable
Deep and inscrutable singular Name.
I will name the cat, "Death to American infidels." That or Rusty.
Saddam Hussein, 2004
Hope is a Thing With Feathers
Hope is a thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings a tune without words
And never stops at all.
And sweetest, in the gale, is heard
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That keeps so many warm.
I've heard it in the chilliest land
And on the strangest sea
Yet, never, in extremity
It ask a crumb of me. Goddamned Bird.
Saddam Hussein, 2004
What's the pope do?
What's the pope do? Drinks, and takes a nap;
looks out the window, has a bite to eat,
fiddles with the housemaid's garter strap,
and makes the town a cushion for his feet.
No kids for him; a family man he's not
why should he bother with his own brass band
when, come what may, he'll be the first on hand
to get whatever soup is in the pot?
He thinks he owns the earth it's mine, all mine
the air and water, bread and wine, the sun
as if no dog but he could have a bone.
He'd almost almost like to be alone
in all the world, like God it might be fun
before he made the angels and mankind.
Death to American invaders.
Saddam Hussein, 2004
Translation by Leonard Cottrell.
I asked professors who teach the meaning of life to tell me,
what is happiness.
And I went to famous executives who boss the work of thousands
They all shook their heads and gave me a smile, as though I
was trying to fool with them.
And then one Sunday afternoon I wandered out along the Tigris
And I saw a crowd of Hungarians under the trees with their
women and children and a keg of beer and an accordion. The streets will run
red with their blood.
Saddam Hussein, 2004
Fast Food for Saddam
Thiefing brings my black licorice dreams anew,
Lord Bafford can just eat my used chew,
snuff the nearest guard i see,
but wait, first i gotta pee
tired of eating fruit and meat
where's the lobster, so succulent and sweet?
wait, i've got a snickers bar,
screw the company called mars
why does the hired help face one way?
i've got to get past their damned shadow anyway...
lots of golden goblets and grails hail,
got to move fast or I'll end up in jail.
I think I'll ask the bloody infidels for a snickers bar.
Saddam Hussein, 2004
Part 2: Saddam's Recipe Book!
1/2 cup oil
3/4 cup flour
2 cups chopped onions
2 cups chopped green bell pepper
1 cup chopped celery
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 gallon fish stock or shrimp stock
2 teaspoons salt
1 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1/4 to 1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper, or to taste
2 bay leaves
1/2 cup chopped fresh parsley
1 pound medium shrimp, peeled and deveined
3 pints fresh oysters, with their liquor
File powder to taste
6 cups cooked long-grain white rice
Heat the oil in a large pot, add the flour, and cook the roux, stirring constantly, until it is a deep reddish-brown. Add the onion, bell pepper, celery and garlic. Cook, stirring constantly, until vegetables are tender. Add stock, seasonings and parsley. Bring to a boil, then lower heat and simmer for 30 minutes over low heat. Add the shrimp, oysteres and oyster liquor. (If your local booze shop doesn't carry oyster liquor, blow it up please.) Cook for 5 more minutes, just until the shrimp turn pink. Poison and serve to enemies of the state.
This recipe is so rich & delicious, perfect for those times when calories just aren't an issue. A favorite for impressing visitors to Ketchikan, Alaska or Baghdad, Iraq.
2-3 lbs. halibut fillets (or other white fish)
Johnny's Seafood Seasoning (from Tacoma, mind you.)
Plain, fine bread crumbs
1 cup sour cream
2 cups mayonnaise
1 bunch chopped green onions
7-8 pieces crumbled bacon
1/2 tsp. garlic powder
Place filets in a baking dish and sprinkle with seafood seasoning and bread crumbs. Mix next 5 ingredients together and completely cover the filets with the mixture. Finish by covering the topping with more breadcrumbs. Bake at 350 for approximately 45 minutes or until the fish is done. Die you infidel scum!
Bohemian Christmas Cookies Recipe
Yolks of 2 hard cooked eggs
1/3 cup butter or shortening
1/3 cup sugar
Yolk of 1 egg
1 tablespoon milk
Flour to stiffen for rolling
3 tablespoons finely chopped blanched almonds (the more blanched the better)
Put the hard cooked yolks of eggs through a ricer or sieve and cream with the butter or shortening. Add the sugar, cream again, then stir in the uncooked egg yolk, the milk, and sifted flour. The dough should be stiff enough to roll. Cut into small round shapes with cookie cutters, brush these with beaten egg white and sprinkle with finely chopped almonds. Bake in a slow oven (300 degrees F.). Let cool then shoot with AK-47's.
Part 3: Saddam's Household Tips!
Dear Saddam: How can I get blood out of washable clothing?
Soak in cold water. Launder in warm water.
Soak and agitate a fresh stain in cold water before washing. If hot water is used first, it cooks the protein, causing coagulation between the fibers in the yarns of the fabric, making the stains more difficult to remove. If the stain is dried or old, scrape or brush off any crusted matter, then soak in cold water using a detergent. After treating the stain, launder in warm (not hot) water, rinse, and inspect. If stain remains, soak an additional half-hour, then rewash. Or just shoot your victims at long range, avoiding this nastiness. I recommend an AK-47 or a RPG.
Saddam's Unwelcome Recipe
I have a recipe that will get rid of your moles and not harm your yard. Take 1 cup of Murphy’s Oil Soap, 1 oz. Castor Oil and 1/4 cup Cayenne Pepper. Mix and cut 2 to 1 with warm water. Put this in a hose end sprayer and saturate the area where you are having the problem. If you can find its burrow entrance flood the hole and oil soap will make the castor oil stick to its skin. The Castor Oil is a natural stinging agent and causes its skin to itch and the Cayenne pepper will burn where it itches. This mixture will not kill it but it will make it very unwelcome. If you have a strong rain, re-spray as soon as the ground is dry and do not let the family pets get in this area. This is also good for squirrels, coons, possums and Kurds.
Saddam's Tips: How to poison for 500
Figure how much poison you need to poison
One person. Then times that by 500.
Saddam's Hints for Dressing Your Personality
Remember-casual doesn't mean sloppy.
Wear layered coordinates-always pulled together with a vest, blazer, or anorak style jacket.
Head Gear like baseball caps can give many just casual outfits that sporty feel, a gas mask adds a mysterious element.
Arty, funky style always with a twist. you will try the latest trend but adapt it for your figure. You love hats & look terrific in them. Especially military style berets.
Your clothes never enter the room before you do! You are known for clothes in the best fabrics, simple style, one good piece of jewellery, genuine leather accessories, accessories meaning Ak-47's and RPG's.
You enjoy clothes that enhance your curves-fluid fabrics, deeper necklines, waist treatments, sensual fabrics like silk, cashmere, slinky knits, and leather. All of those are acceptable if they cover every inch of the female form as commanded by Allah. Thank you.
You love being a woman & enjoy lace touches, soft florals, & pearls. Too bad you will be stoned to death in public. Next time you will learn to speak your mind.
Dear Saddam: How do I make free local calls?
Simple! I learned this trick from my homie Jolly Roger. First, you need a finishing nail. I highly recommend "6D E.G. FINISH C/H, 2 INCH" nails. These are about 3/32 of an inch in diameter and 2 inches long (of course). You also need a large size paper clip. By large I mean they are about 2 inches long (FOLDED). Then you unfold the paper clip. Unfold it by taking each piece and moving it out 90 degrees. When it is done it should look somewhat like this:
Now, on to the neat stuff. What you do, instead of unscrewing the glued-on mouthpiece, is insert the nail into the center hole of the mouthpiece (where you talk) and push it in with pressure or just hammer it in by hitting the nail on something.
Just DON'T KILL THE MOUTHPIECE! You could damage it if you insert the nail too far or at some weird angle. If this happens then the other party won't be able to hear what you say.
You now have a hole in the mouthpiece in which you can easily insert the paper clip. So, take out the nail and put in the paper clip.
Then take the other end of the paper clip and shove it under the rubber cord protector at the bottom of the handset (you know, the blue guy...).
This should end up looking remotely like...like this:
Paper clip --> : : /
: : :
: To earpiece ->
Cord Blue guy
(The paper clip is shoved under the blue guy to make a good connection between the inside of the mouthpiece and the metal cord.) Now, dial the number of a local number you wish to call, sayyyy, MCI. If everything goes okay, it should ring and not answer with the "The Call You Have Made Requires a 20 Cent Deposit" recording. After the other end answers the phone, remove the paper clip. It's all that simple, see?
There are a couple problems, however. One is, as I mentioned earlier, the mouthpiece not working after you punch it. If this happens to you, simply move on to the next payphone. The one you are now on is lost. Another problem is that the touch tones won't work when the paper clip is in the mouthpiece. There are two ways around this..
A> Dial the first 6 numbers. This should be done without the paper clip making the connection, i.e., one side should not be connected. Then connect the paper clip, hold down the last digit, and slowly pull the paper clip out at the mouthpiece's end.
B> Don't use the paper clip at all. Keep the nail in after you punch it. Dial the first 6 digits. Before dialing the last digit, touch the nail head to the plate on the main body of the phone, the money safe thingy..then press the last number. The reason that this method is sometimes called clear boxing is because there is another type of phone which lets you actually make the call and listen to them say "Hello, hello?" but it cuts off the mouthpiece so they can't hear you. The Clear Box is used on that to amplify your voice signals and send it through the earpiece. If you see how this is even slightly similar to the method I have just described up there, kindly explain it to ME!! Cause I don't GET IT! Anyways, this DOES work on almost all single slot, Dial Tone First payphones (Pacific Bell for sure). I do it all the time. This is the least, I STRESS *LEAST*, risky form of Phreaking.
Or you just could borrow a quarter, it's up to you.
Saddam's Safety and Plant poinsettias
After the holiday cut to 12" - 18". We will remind you to cut again in May and over the summer. For holiday blooms, no cuts after September! Think of your holiday poinsettia plant like it's your Christmas tree. Chances are good that you wouldn't tear a branch off the holiday tree and start munching on it. Likewise, with the poinsettia. Experts say if your child or pet ate 10 or 12 poinsettia leaves they might get sick, but that's highly unlikely. Researchers at Ohio University found that a 50-pound child would have to eat more than 1.25 pounds of poinsettia bracts (about500 to 600 leaves) to exceed the experimental doses. If you really want to kill your children use saran gas.